"And the fair Lord of the manor bestowed upon the farmer the title of swineherd.  And with your new title," sayeth the Lord, "comes your challenge of a lifetime."

"My good serf," the Lord sayeth, "raise all of my pigs from farrowing to market so that they all become 215 lbs. in six months, are cholesterol free, and their ears are worthy of becoming silk purses."

"You will need to address all of their needs, personally."

"My good swineherd, you will design the most nutritious and growth promoting diet.  It must match each piglet's needs.  You will organically raise and harvest the most nutritious corn - no pesticides, no fertilizer, no harmful contaminants, - no wasteful high energy technology.  It is your responsibility to acquire or manufacture all needed supplements. Of course, your diet will meet or exceed the Government Extension Service Guidelines."

"In addition, it is your job to make the facilities the most perfect environment for growth.  The proper lighting, heating, bedding, stimulation, and sanitation is a must."

"My good and faithful servant you must provide exercise to keep muscle tone tops in order to provide a grade A product.  Walk the piglets if need be, as their individual needs dictate."

"You are responsible for preventing crowding, stressful conditions, piggish fighting or any other detrimental psychological or behavioral disorders."

"Oh, by the way, the pigs all have to be fully finished, together, by June to meet the market high."

"As you well know, with your newly acquired title of swineherd goes the requirement for continued professional growth.  You can pick up the needed knowledge to keep abreast of new developments in the evenings or weekends, at modest cost to you."

"That is your do or die challenge my good swineherd."

Of course, there's nothing cuter than a pig.  Being only somewhat elated by the promotion to swineherd from farmer, the newly crowned swineherd couldn't decide whether to thank the master or cry.  Finally, the swineherd's lips managed to form a question, "How many pigs will I have as my charge sire?"

"As many as can be stuffed into the hog house," was the reply. "But, in any event, not less than 120 my good swineherd."

"What role will the sow have sire?"

"None," was he reply from his lordship.

"Well then, what responsibility will the pigs have sire?"

"None.  But they may eat your food, if they like it."

"My Lord," inquires the swineherd, "what resources does your humble servant have at hand for needed supplies, equipment, utilities, and fuel?"

"The King holds the purse strings, my fine servant," explained the Lord. "And the King's men will not provide price supports.  I have nothing. Pigs are selling at only $38 per 100 weight.  Do with what you have."

The swineherd tries for support again for his difficult mission, "My generous Lord, how many laborers will I have to complete this important challenge?"

And the Lord of the Manor says, "You may take all of your current helpers and sub servants to your task."

"But my Lord," deplores the swineherd, "There is only me."

"So be it," replies the Lord.

In final desperation, the swineherd asks, "Who will judge my success, my all knowing Lord?"

"The slaughter house will report to me the condition of the fruits of your labor my good swineherd.  You need only to worry."

And so the last will be first, and the first will be last.

And that night the former farmer snuck off in the dark and became a prosperous Wall Street commodities broker specializing in pork bellies. Go ye and do likewise.
 
 

        "This summer I participated in a mandatory, almost voluntary program to match our almost curriculum guidelines with the Missouri Show-Me Performance and Knowledge Standards."  I guess almost any of us could write this generic scenario for the 1,774 Missouri science teachers in grades 6-8 and the 2,225 in grades 9-12 in the 525 school districts across the State of Missouri and use it for their first show and tell presentation at the beginning of the 1998-99 academic year.  How long did your "vacation" last? "Well, until the money ran out."  Some of us spent a couple of days, others  a week, some two and I heard of one place (one with a nice tax base) spent more than a month on it.  The length of time to carryout the job is a function of money available.  Granger's Law of Educational Economics (GLEE) almost covers this principle nicely.  GLEE = "The time it takes to accomplish a mundane deductive reasoning task in education is directly proportional to the funds available."

        Whoa, you say.  Let's not be too sarcastic here.  I did make a little extra money and we can all use that.  And don't forget we will need to dwell on the items almost suggestively dictated by the State so that our almost students will do well on the almost process oriented, almost not be held accountable for, mandatory, almost voluntary statewide assessment, Missouri (almost) Assessment Program (MaAP).  This will make our administrators almost happy and we can spend more time at faculty meetings eating donuts, drinking coffee and almost enjoying the stand up, almost comic shtick by the almost site based administration rather than being harassed, threatened and condemned to be a "school of almost opportunity."  Hey, besides the exercise did help to review the Roman numerals, knowledge that almost everyone needs.

         I guess that narrative would almost cover most back to school reports and one should almost get an A- or B+ for attendance if nothing else.  The nasty questions, of course, are what was really accomplished and will the curriculum and the students be better off upon the accomplishment of this task? Would we have been better off if we just commissioned Zorro (we could all kick in $6.00 from our summer workshop salary $6 x 4,000 = $24,000) to steal a few MAP examinations and distribute them in secret to the teachers across the state.  (Now don't tell me you haven't thought of that. Oh, you did?  I'll show you mine if you show me yours.)  We then at least could compete with Lake Wobegon, MN in that all of our students would be almost above average.  However, Zorro on a Missouri mule, somehow, loses appeal.  Maybe we could take the millions of dollars spent on testing costs and buy the almost whole Watergate Gang to do the job.  With money there are lots of possibilities.

        Why haven't the almost politicians jumped on this almost reform procedure as a cost inefficient process?  It seems sort of a waste of time for almost 4,000 (notice critical placement of almost here) teachers running around the state all almost doing the same clerical task, as if something novel and pedagogically effective is going to arise de novo in Sodbuster, MO 65102-0480 and almost completely change, "reform," the education process. Occurrence of random educational enhancement like that has the same chance as expecting life to re-originate in the Lake of the Ozarks.  (Although I understand as the population increases logarithmically that the lake is becoming more and more like the organic soup of which life supposedly arose billions of years ago.)  So maybe there is almost a chance. And to think it could almost just happen right here in our own backyard.

         I guess what I am saying is that what real good does it do to say we perfunctorily attached the Show-Me Standards to an almost set of science concepts?  Or even added a few almost new concepts?  Actually, the number of new concepts in the almost "Frameworks" doesn't vary much from the 1966 edition of the Science - A Guide for Teachers, Publication Series No. 131 from the then called Missouri State Department of Education. (Lucky those who still have a copy.)

         I am worried now that I have to meet a new crop of students this fall.  Will my efforts this summer be a real help to them as students and future citizens?  Will my teaching really improve?   Will what I have to offer be more meaningful?  More useful?  Will the students be more efficient and effective in gaining insights into their total environment?  Their total being?

        I hope so.  But maybe I'm just a sentimental fool.

        Excuse me.  I'm off to see Titanic, again, almost.

       College graduate possessing B.S. in academic field with accredited, intense internship (approximately 145 semester hours). State approved professional certification required. Master's degree is preferred. Continuing professional development required, mostly at own expense. Candidates must exhibit excellent communication and leadership skills. Challenging opportunity to serve 120 clients, developing up to five different presentations daily while individualizing services to each customer. Hours are fixed and developed on a tight schedule with a 20 minute lunch and no breaks. Non-compensated commitment to after hours extra-services and supervision for clients desirable. Typical work week is 48+ hours.

       This diversified position allows the prospective employee to exercise word processing, clerical, managerial, policing, counseling, and problem solving work skills, during and after hours. Adaptability and flexibility are a must since client and supplier dependability is minimal and most supervisors are paranoid. Candidates must be able to work in isolation with little or no interaction with competitive colleagues. A home work station with computer expected. No tax deductions.

       Starting salary is $25,500 with the possibility of earning $38,000 after 15 years. Up to three years credit may be given for transferable past professional experience. Salary adjustments are fixed, no Social Security benefits and little opportunity for advancement. Work has many intrinsic rewards. Position begins August 23 pending funding authorized through taxation vote.

       Must apply in person. For an application and appointment contact Super Human Resources Office, Room 239A Research Complex, 8001 Natural Bridge Road, St. Louis, MO 63121-4499.